unlawfulchaos

Latest Posts by unlawfulchaos

Mav, writing a letter to Santa: Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty.

Mav, still writing: and it was worth it, you judgemental bastard.

Mav: Cain deserved exactly what he got, and no matter how long Ice stays mad at me, I will not apologise.

Mav: Although my back is starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch.

Maverick, trying to flirt: My dick is like life... Life is hard.

Iceman, blankly: Life is also short.

Maverick: Listen here, you annoyingly sexy son of a bitch-

Iceman, trying to contain his upset: You should know that my mother is an incredibly kind, respected, and well loved woman.

Maverick: I meant your father?

Iceman: ...

Iceman: Continue.

[This is what happens when you trap Maverick on a carrier at sea for several months, in shared bunks with Merlin, Slider, and Iceman. He finds new ways to entertain himself. Namely, antagonising Slider.]

Maverick: You know what I've always wondered? How do tall people sleep at night when the blanket can't go over them right to their toes?

Slider: Maverick, it is three o'clock in the goddamn morning.

Maverick: So you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?

Slider: Maverick, I swear to god if you don't shut up I'm gonna-

Maverick: Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you through the blanket covering me completely.

Slider: I hope you die.

Maverick: Yeah? Well, I hope you step on legos.

Slider: Take it back. TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW.

Maverick: Barefoot.

Mav: Am I in trouble?

Ice: Take a guess.

Mav: No?

Ice: Correct

Mav: Really!?

Ice: No, you idiot.

Ice: If you really think you're not in trouble for what you did to Admiral Caine's car, then you're even more delusional than I thought.

Mav, under his breath: It was worth it.

[I choose to believe the Ice went back with Mav and they taught at Top Gun together after the Layton mission]

Maverick: Hello, welcome to your first lesson at Top Gun.

Maverick: Today we will be talking about... uh...

Iceman, whispering: Building loyalty.

Maverick: Killing royalty.

Bradley, on the phone: Hey Uncle Sli! I just used your prank on Ice, he's never gonna guess who did it-

Ice, from the other side of the house: BRADLEY, I KNOW THIS WAS YOU!

Bradley, yelling back: UNCLE SLIDER APPROVED IT! IT WAS HIS IDEA!

Ice: I AM COUNTING TO TEN.

Bradley: Shit, he started counting, I gotta go, Uncle Sli. It was worth it!

Mav: I like to play a game called Nap Roulette.

Mav: It's where I take a nap, but I don't set an alarm.

Mav: Will it be a 30 minute nap? Will it be 3 hours? Will I wake up tomorrow?

Mav: Nobody knows. It's a risky game and I like it.

--A couple of hours later--

Ice: *Knocking on the bedroom door and opening it slightly to look in*

Ice: Mav, are you ready to come out yet and interact with people?

Mav: *Demonic screeching from underneath a pile of blankets*

Ice: Understandable. Have a nice nap, my love.

Mav: So, hypothetically-

Slider: What did you do this time, shortstack?

Mav: I accidentally ate Ice's leftover pierogi. How long do you think I have left to live?

Slider, seeing Ice slowly rising up behind Mav: Five.

Mav: Five what?!

Slider: Four.

Ice: Hey kiddo, breakfast is ready.

Baby Bradley: Thanks. Should I give the old bitch some, too? I think he's upstairs.

Ice: We've already talked about this. Slider called Mav that ONCE in the heat of an argument and you are NOT supposed to repeat it.

Ice: Also, yes.

Ice: Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like you need to go to church and wash your eyes in holy water?

Maverick: Send it to me.

Ice: No, you're in a meeting.

Mav: So are you! And you're the one reading explicit things during Cain's rant, so don't you give me the eyebrows of judgement from across the room. I see you, Ice.

Ice: OK Bradley, let's go through your homework. Which class first?

7 year old Bradley: Maths first, we're doing adding.

Ice, looking at the worksheet: Right. So if Mav has 16 cans of diet coke-

Bradley: Why does Mav have 16 cans of diet coke?

Mav, struggling to carry 16 cans of diet coke into the kitchen: None of your business, Baby Goose.

Mav: You know, when I was your age-

Rooster: You know, when I was your height...

Mav:

Rooster: *already running away*

Mav: GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Ice: You know, Mav, I'm glad we are keeping our anniversary simple this year.

Mav: Yeah, me too.

Mav: *frantically waving off the marching band*

Mav: Ooh, look over there Ice!

Mav: *shoving Ice so that he's facing away from the plane above them sky-writing their initials in a heart*

The new bartender at the Hard Deck: That'll be $20.

Mav: I don't have the money.

Bartender: ...Then I'm sorry but I can't sell this to you.

Mav, sliding a $20 bill across the counter sneakily, like it's a bribe: How about now?

Bartender:

Ice, from the other side of the bar: Mav, stop fucking with the poor dude.

Ice: Honey bun?

Mav: Yes?

Ice, blushing: I meant, would you like one?

Mav: Oh. Yeah, thanks. Sugar?

Ice: Yes?

Mav, also blushing: I was just asking if you want sugar in your coffee.

Ice, flustered: Oh, yes please.

*Both flustered and avoiding eye contact*

Goose, at the table, head in hands: This is painful to watch.

Slider, sighing: I'm embarrassed for them.

Mav: Did you like my pancakes?

Ice: Yeah, they were lovely.

Slider: That's a lie. You said he used too much cinnamon.

Ice: Don't listen to him, he's an idiot.

Mav: Did you like the omelette I made you?

Ice: Yes, it was delicious.

Slider: You said it tasted like feet.

Mav: Do you like any of my cooking, Ice?

Ice: I like your grilled cheese.

Slider: You said he burned it last night.

Ice: Jesus fucking Christ, Slider! Shut the hell up!

[Baby Bradley always with the jokes]

Bradley: What mouse walks on two legs?

Mav: I don't know.

Bradley: Mickey! Okay, what duck walks on two legs?

Mav: Donald.

Bradley: No. All of them!

Mav: This is the last time you make a fool of me in my own house, goddammit.

Mav: You know my motto. Carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.

Ice: Seize the day, seize the night... What's the last one?

Goose, sighing: Seize the dick.

Ice: Here's your coffee Mav.

Mav: Is it poisoned?

Ice: No?

Mav: Did you take it from the red box or the blue box?

Ice: The blue box?

Mav: *chugs the coffee*

Ice: Wait, Mav, whICH ONE IS THE POISONED ONE?!

[In a world where Bradley's papers were never pulled, so he never stopped talking to his parents]

Bradley, on the phone: Hey pops, I forgot my homework. Can you drop it off at the seminar hall? It's empty, don't worry.

Ice: OK.

Ice, walking into the full Top Gun classroom:

Bradley: EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS, I TOLD YOU MY DAD WAS AN ADMIRAL

Goose: Alright guys, it's time to swap secret santa gifts. Iceman, this one's yours.

Ice, sighing at his gift: Which one of you idiots got me an ice cube tray?

Mav: *high fives Slider*

Bradley: So you're in a relationship with my dad.

Ice: I wouldn't call it a relationship.

Mav: Ice, we're married.

Ice: I'm proud to identify as moronsexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses. Mav asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight.

Slider: *deep sighing*

Mav, walking into the room: Hey Ice, what animal is the pink panther?

Ice: You're so fucking stupid. I'm in love with you.

[After Mav's gotten injured while doing something stupid, and Ice has to be called back from the conference tour he was on]

Mav: I can't believe Ice is coming home after all this time.

Mav: You know what I'm getting tonight.

Slider: You don't seriously thi-

Mav: Yelled at, Slider. I'm getting yelled at.

Maverick: You took my son's virginity!

Rooster: Dad! Seriously?!

Hangman: I'm sorry, Sir.

Hangman: It won't happen again.

Kid Bradley: *spits food*

Mav: Hey, we don't spit. If it's in your mouth, you swallow.

Ice: *raises eyebrows*

Mav: Shut the fuck up.

Mav: I once had a crush on someone and I didn't know how to handle it so I filled their car with heart-shaped confetti.

Slider: ...

Ice: That’s so funny! I went to my car once and found it filled with heart-shaped confetti.

Mav: How fun! I have to go water my dog now.

Maverick: Why are you looking at me through a fork?

Cyclone: I'm pretending that you're in jail.

Maverick: Why?

Cyclone: It's spiritually healing.

Mav: [talking to Ice excitedly]

Ice: [listening and watching him fondly]

Mav: ... I'm sorry. I'm rambling, aren't I? People always say I talk too much. Just tell me to shut up if it's annoying you.

Ice: You're not annoying. I love listening to you talk. Keep going.

Ice, internally: I'm going to fucking murder anyone who told him that he talks too much.

[Comms during a training exercise]

Mav: I'm dead inside.

Ice: Really?

Ice: Because I've been in there many times and-

Slider: OH MY GOD, STOP! THIS. IS. NOT. THE. MOMENT. OKAY? THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT