16 Personalities On Valentine's Day:

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

I have a headcanon that Kunikida ounce ran into Port Mafia Skk when he was in highschool. He saw them commit extortion or some illegal shit but he couldn't understand what they were trying to do (he thought they were doing a student film). And Dazai and Chuuya decided they can't let a witness roam free so they try to intimidate Kunikida.

Chuuya, holding bullets: where do you think you are going brat?

Dazai, pointing a gun at Kunikida: my my you look like you are in a hurry, not for long~

Kunikida, raises his hands: okay, this is getting too in character, I won't interrupt your shoot. Let me go.

Chuuya: what are you talking about? The only thing we will shoot is YOU

Kunikida: hey, hey....what is a little kid like you doing with bullets!

Chuuya: WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLED A LITTLE KID, BITCH?

Dazai: calm down, Chuuya. He's not wrong

Chuuya: wipe that smug smile off your stupid face, Shithead

Dazai: I think you need a timeout Chuuya. You are being very naughty today!

*Kunikida watching them having arguments*

Kunikida: hey, guys. Please let me go. I have class in two minutes, it's my final year, I have entrance exams to study for

Chuuya: wait...you go to school?

Kunikida:....yes?

Dazai: how is it like?

Kunikida: it's good for me, since I am the student council president and the top student but for most people it's terrible

Dazai: I wonder what it's like, to go to a normal school...

Kunikida: who doesn't go to a school?

*Chuuya and Dazai have a discussion between themselves*

Chuuya: we are letting you go on one condition, you won't tell what happened here to any one.

Kunikida: I don't even know what's happening here but sure, I won't open my mouth. Can I go? I am late!

Dazai: enjoy the freedom my friend, as long as you can

Kunikida, on his way to school: what the fuck just happened

They all forget what happened that day because of more important things that came next. But one day Kunikida witnesses Dazai and Chuuya having an argument and he gets deja vu, as if he has heard those same things before......

(most of the characters didn't have a normal childhood and that will forever haunt me~)

Re-watched and Re-read Death Note so...

As someone who is preparing for a career in law this will be rather interesting.

I know Misa and Mikami are Kira supporters but their own sense of Justice is different from Light's. Mikami is way more intense in punishing criminals and Misa does not care about Justice except for the fact it punished the criminals who killed her parents; she only punishes criminals for Light's attention.

Ryuk and L are more on the neutral side as in they either do not have any interest in justice or only care about having fun and not being bored. That's why Ryuk dropped the death note out of boredom and L solves cases when it's of personal intrigue to him, he is mostly morally grey.

The rest of the characters have their own unique sense of Justice (or the lack thereof).

(Have not read LA: BB case, I have no idea what BB is like except he is like the Lawlight lovechild)

Edit: LIGHT AND L BOTH WON WTF, IS THIS REAL? I LOVE THIS, THAT'S SO TRUE TO THE SERIES

*inserts Light and L saying "I am Justice" together*

Dinner table conversation in my family:

Mom (ISFJ): I tried really hard to make all of your favourite dishes!

Grandma (ESFJ): That is so sweet dear!

Dad (ESTJ): You know I told you I want to try and eat healthy boiled vegetables and you STILL made my favourite food?

Me (INTP): *I did not want to sit with them and make them see my wierd eating habits* I don't like any of these food.

Mom (ISFJ): Too bad you have to eat it....NOW

Grandma (ESFJ): Let's pray to god before eating and thank them for the food.

Me (INTP): Why do we have to pray to god when they don't exist and did nothing for us?

Mom (ISFJ): just do what you are told

Me, turns to dad (INTP): didn't you tell me to have my own opinions and ideas about the world?

Dad (ESTJ): I am not saying you are wrong but.....if you want to have food you have to go by the rules. Just pray.

Me (INTP): I am not praying to anyone. I don't care if you take my food away! I am NOT changing my beliefs!

Grandma, upset (ESFJ): why are you like this, where did we do wrong?

Mom (ISFJ): Just be thankful then, okay? I don't have patience for a debate.

Everyone: thank you god for the food we received and for everything you did for us.

Me (INTP): Thank you mom for making the food, thank you grandma for helping in preparing it and thank you dad for buying the groceries.

Me (INTP): you told me to be more thankful, I was. There's always loop holes.

Dad (ESTJ): *hides smirk*

I am so sorry for not putting ESTJ, ISTJ and ESTP, but there was only space for 12!!!!

You can always comment if you like any of those three with INTP.

Personally I don't think they will work out with INTP (as an INTP myself, I am not fond of people with those types that much....so)

The Curse of Creativity and the suffering of artists:

"There are tons of people who are just as good as me." - Seiji Amasawa, Whisper of the heart (1995)

Ghibli movies have always had a huge impact on me. Full of quiet sensibilities and easily understood complex concepts; Ghibli movies made my childhood and the person I am today. And despite the cuteness of Totoro, the innocence of Ponyo, the quirky weirdness of Howl's moving castle (the themes of that movie are so intricate too) or the message about hardwork and burnout in Kiki's delivery service, there is one movie that remains in my heart (no pun intended)

"Whisper of the Heart" has taught me so much about myself and the path I am headed. It is the most beautiful, soul-crushing movie I have ever watched not because it has wars and the death of loved ones but because it is relatable and grounded. I can see myself in Shizuko and Seiji, I understand their struggles and dreams. I smiled with them and I cried for them. I related to Shizuko's struggle to see her writing as anything good and Seiji's belief that despite his achievements he isn't anywhere near as good at his skills as some other people.

This movie made me think about the saying I so often hear "Don't suffer for your dreams". While I scoffed at it when an adult said that to me first, now that I am much older and hopefully wiser, the words struck me not as nagging but as a warning.

Suffering doesn't equal great art, some people think that only those who are depressed and mentally ill can make great art, which is completely false. (Although I don't blame those people as many great artists and writers were actually mentally ill, it's not the only thing that makes one a great artist!) You don't have to suffer to be a great artist, you just have to be creative and work hard, there's nothing more to that.

When I was in my most depressed state during the last two years of high school, I wasn't writing or working hard on my book. I was staring at the wall wishing I would disappear. Overcoming that depression led me to write better, work harder, chase my dreams with passion.

During the times where I am stuck in a chapter I can't get through and my brain goes blank, I think to myself if I am actually a good writer or I have been just treading the waters of talent that I don't have. When people call me talented, it makes me squirm, it takes away my hardwork and effort.

Being a creative person is not easy, it's not all sunshine and rainbows where you are constantly getting new ideas. Sometimes it makes my head hurt. Acting on your ideas is not easy. I can think all I want but when it comes to actually writing that idea, I freeze.

Being an artistic person makes you feel self conscious. If anyone will like what I do? Will someone criticize me? What if no one likes my work? What if they judge me? There's someone who is better than me, why should I even bother?

Creativity isn't just a blessing, it's also a curse. It's a double-edged sword.

You should try to achieve the best but not make it your end goal. Life is so much more than success, fame and material goods. I don't write for any of those things, I write for myself and the people I care for. Even if I don't end up publishing any of my novels, I would still write. Never stop dreaming and become monotonous, you don't have to make sure your hobbies earn you money, they should give you peace and happiness.

There are times when I spend too much time in front of my computer typing out another new story when I stop and think back at those words, I don't feel dispassionate, suffering won't make me happy, writing whatever I want would. So I type ahead for some more minutes and take a break. I indulge in the world that I create in my books and make characters that I love more deeply than human beings, but I don't want it to become my life. I would still do normal everyday things and talk to normal everyday people. Work-life balance is utter bullshit and too idealistic, but making sure your work doesn't consume your life is what matters.

Even if I do end up getting an ordinary job and not making my hobby a career, I would not be disappointed.

I am ready to live a life of rationality and pragmatism but I will never accept monotony.

Thoughts on Harry Potter Ships (Disclosure: DO NOT attack me if I give some unpopular opinions or hate your favourite ship, it doesn't matter because this is only just an opinion and shipping is subjective.) (PS: my thoughts on this might change later) (Also this is not in any particular order)

Ron×Hermione: looveee it!!! This is one of those relationships that you see coming and are waiting till it happens. These two complement each other wonderfully. Their banter is realistic. Their fights are realistic. And they just care about each other even when they are fighting or not talking.

Harry×Ginny: did I see it coming? No. I didn't really notice Ginny till the 4th book. And I love Ginny as a character. She is also very much Harry's type being pretty and good at quidditch (ex: Cho, Draco, Cedric...etc). They are kinda okay. I don't dig much in their relationship, they don't have the sparks of Romione but they are still a good healthy couple.

Harry×Cho: um....they were not ready to date. They were not compatible. Could have worked out if Cho was in a more emotionally stable mindset and if Harry wasn't a huge oblivious dork.

Lavender×Ron: One word. Cringe.

Draco×Hermione: .....NO. JUST NO. I don't think Hermione would ever date someone like Draco. And knowing Draco, he will never date someone like Hermione. They might become friends later, but no, their pairing is too toxic.

Draco×Harry: ....now as I hate Dramione it might seem like I would hate Drarry. But....Drarry low-key rocks. They do have chemistry. More than Harry has with anyone literally. It's just a ship I really like despite all the toxicity it will have if it happened. It's better than Dramione since Harry and Draco are more of equals in terms of badmouthing eachother (both of them have insulted eachother's mothers for example)

Harry×Hermione: one word. Gross. It's like shipping siblings. Harry says in DH “She’s like my sister, I love her like a sister and I reckon she feels the same way about me. It’s always been like that. I thought you knew.” I hate she-who-must-not be named later said she wished they ended up together. No.

Ron×Luna: an unusual ship that a lot of people like including me. I did see some moments where they are lowkey crushing on eachother, especially Luna, but it's not huge.

Neville×Luna: another good ship, but the problem is the Neville in the books never showed any romantic interest towards Luna and did she (as much as I remmember) It's something the movies added.

Ginny×Luna: super cute but no canon info about that. It's still something better than a lot of other popular ships.

Snape×Lily: I can't go with this one....my thoughts on Snape are more on the bad side than good. I just don't think Lily should have liked him after he called her mudblood and became a death eater. (It's like a Nazi loving a Jew. Does not work out). I have no feelings towards James. He doesn't get much personality other than being a bully and later a hero. Snape had 6 books about how big of a douche he is...so No to Snily.

Remus×Sirius: AKA WOLFSTAR!!! Ofc I love it. Who doesn't? It's like the SHIP after Romione. They just feel like a married couple whenever they are together. Just *chef's kiss*

SiriusxSnape: are you Sirius?

Hermione×Snape: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I am calling the police.

Harry×Snape: Double NOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY? JUST WHY? Who hurt you?

Tonks×Lupin: yep. Good one. They are cute. They spolier (died) too young.

(I didn't talk about all the ships just the one I remembered at the moment I could write a part 2 later)

"Who's afraid of little old me?" is sooo Dazai coded 💖 🩶 🖤 🤍

Akutagawa using intimidation tactics on Atsushi because he doesn't know how to flirt: Jinko look at my eyes when I talk or else....

Atsushi: but, you are holding my wrist and pushed me into a corner, what do you want? I thought you agreed not to kill me

Akutagawa: if you don't want your sister to go missing, then let me take you to a restaurant

Atsushi: first of all, Kyouka would never get kidnapped by you and why a restaurant, are you trying to sell me drugs or something?

Akutagawa: why are you not understanding me?

Atsushi: what are you talking about? What is wrong with you?

Akutagawa: stay here, I have to ask Dazai-san for more pointers. If you run away, I will put handcuffs on you

Atsushi: ......

Atsushi: wait...I am the DETECTIVE HERE NOT YOU.

Meanwhile, Dazai watching this with binoculars: Dammit, Atsushi is even more air-headed than Chuuya. How can they not get such simple things? I should have given Akutagawa the dog collar already. It worked on Chuuya, surely it will work on Atsushi-

Chuuya, kicks his back: can you stop ruining kids eh, shitty mackerel?

Sometimes I re-watch BSD for fun.

Sometimes I re-watch Danny Motta's reaction to BSD for fun.

Both are an experience of their own and should be done by everyone ✨