Spn Angst - Blog Posts

The Bad Days

Dean Winchester, who holds the weight of the world on his shoulders, who is self-sacrificial, who hides his anguish between snarky sarcastic jokes and a flirty, I-know-I'm-hot smirk, who is protective and loyal to those he loves to a fault, is not immune to bad days. In fact, Dean has them frequently, but the bad days, and I mean the really bad days, where the weight he holds and tries to shoulder alone finally comes crashing down on him, and all he can think about are the people he couldn't save, and the people he thinks he's failed all flash through his mind, and all the ways he's let down the people that matter most to him are all that he can see when he takes in his desolate reflection, are the days that he falters, and the days where he needs you the most. Those days that he pushes everyone away the most, those are the bad days I'm talking about.

Sometimes they'll start off ordinarily, or as ordinarily as a day in the life of a Winchester, or of a hunter, can. Those are the days when the angish sneaks below his feet, circling in the shadows and ensnaring him on Sam's pointed jab, or a flash of deja-vu as he catches a glimpse of a face that looks like someone he couldn't save. The days that start off mundane for Dean are the ones where the hair trigger could be anything from a misinterpreted joke, to a hunt gone sour, could send him into a spiral that would take even the strongest archangel out of commission for months at a time. Other times, the days will start with a heart-stopping jolt, with a cold sweat drenching the back of his shirt. On days when his morning starts with a anxiety-riddled, gasp as he stretches his arm across the bed, desperate to find the grounding comfort of your sleeping form beside him, he is surly and mean, and does everything in his power to isolate himself and push everyone away. Not out of a vindictive anger, but out of a deep-rooted self-loathing that makes him believe that he deserves this pain, that he deserves to be forgotten, abandoned, and hated by the people he holds dearest.

These are the days where he needs you most. Don't get me wrong, he wants you, and needs you every day, but when he's in a spiral, on the days where even basic kindness seems like something he doesn't even deserve to dream about, these are the days that he needs all of your love and concern. All of the worry that he teasingly tells you is wasted on a strong man like him, that he gets into shouting matches with Sam and Castiel over because damnit he is not an incapable child!

So on days like that, hold him a little tighter. Dote on him a little more. Tell him that you love him, and that he deserves kindness and love and he is not evil, hell he's not even bad. Remind him that for every mistake he's made, he's fixed a hundred others, and for every person he feels he's failed, he's save a thousand more.

On days when Dean Winchester feels like the world would be better off had he never been born, remind him how glad you are that he was. Remind him of how loved he is, and cuddle a little closer to him, and pretend not to notice the way your shirt grows damp when he buries his head in your shoulder and finally, finally lets himself feel, lets himself cry.

Backstory

Your name is still Y/N Y/L/N

You’re twenty four years old

You have lived in the Halliwell Manor with the sisters since you were twenty, no, you’re not magical like them nor are you related, you have just been helping them out until they decided to go up against Zankou, leaving you no choice but to bail.

You’ve actually met Dean once before when you were seventeen in high school. He was your boyfriend for a while until he left to go hunting with his father. You both remember each other very clearly when you cross paths again in the Pilot episode.

Your adoptive parents are deceased, you have no clue who your real parents are or if they are even alive.

You know all about the Supernatural, of course.

You are a Harvelle, but you don’t know that yet. Jo is your sister, Ellen is your mother.

~~~

Pilot || Supernatural rewrite S01 masterlist

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Supernatural rewrite S01 mobile masterlist

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warning(s): Angst, fluff, smut(??? probably not), violence, depression and anxiety, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts, character deaths, language.

Characters: Y/N Y/L/N, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, John Winchester, Meg Masters, Azazel, Leo Wyatt, Victor Bennett, Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Matthews, Wyatt Halliwell (both child and adult), Chris Halliwell (both child and adult)

Summary: You lost your parents, now you believe you lost the Halliwell sisters. With knowing you are now in danger, you leave Victor Bennett behind with Piper's kids so they won't get harmed because of you. Little did you know, you were going to run into the Winchester brothers, for the first time in seven years.

Buy Me A Coffee

Backstory

Pilot: Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Wendigo:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Dead in the Water:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Phantom Traveler:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Bloody Mary:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Skin:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Hookman:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Bugs:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Home:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Asylum:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Scarecrow:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Faith:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Route 666:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Nightmare: Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

The Benders:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Shadow:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Hell House:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Something Wicked This Way Comes:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Provenance:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Dead Man’s Blood:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Salvation:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

Devil’s Trap:  Pt 1 // Pt 2 // Pt 3

~~~

Complete Mobile Masterlist

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Supernatural rewrite tag list:

@lyssaholic​ // @1967-chevy-impala-called-roscoe​ //​ @nobody7102​

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I’ve got you, sweetheart: Part 3

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warning(s): Mentions of abuse, angst, fluff, reader has brain damage, self hatred, self doubt, Dean has a breakdown

Character(s): Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Mary Winchester, Y/N Y/L/N

Summary: Your mother marries an extremely abusive man, who abuses you to the point you get brain damage. You have a hard time with speech and learning all of the things you already learned before, but you have Dean by your side to help you every step of the way.

Word count: 1,861

Previous part || I’ve got you, sweetheart masterlist

The week for Dean has passed by after continuously taking care of you. He had checked you out of the hospital and brought you back to the bunker. He had carried you into the library, where everyone was spending their time. All of their eyes trailed over towards you as Dean settled you into one of the comfy chairs in the room. Once you were settled, he crouched down in front of you. "Is there anything you want, sweetheart?" He asked you. He had spent a little bit of time each day through out the week in the hospital trying to get you to say words that were simple. You always struggled, but he knew what you were trying to say. "Are you cold?"

All you could do was slowly nod your head yes to answer his question as you shivered. You opened your mouth to speak, "J-.." you were trying to say the word, 'Juice', but you found yourself struggling all over again. "J-.." You tried once again, but failed. You could feel tears pricking at your eyes as you balled your hand into fists again. Your brain still hurt. The words you had learned throughout the years growing up were now jumbled up in your mind, making it harder for you to speak.

Tears streamed down your face and Dean's face fell into a saddened expression as he reached a hand to your face, wiping away the tears with the pad of his thumb before his hand dropped down to hold your own. "Oh, baby.. it's okay." He reassured you. You were doing just fine. But he knew that the frustration of not being able to speak properly was what was making you emotional. Luckily, he knew what you were trying to say. "You want juice?" He asked. You slowly nodded your head yes again. "Okay, I will go get you some juice and a warm blanket. And then I will come back and I will hold you."

You didn't respond to what he said. You just stared past him and to the other side of the library. Dean gave your hand a gentle squeeze before he let go and got onto his feet. He left the library and headed for the kitchen, where he had gotten your favorite kind of juice from the fridge. He then made his way over to one of the cabinets and opened it up, searching through it for the straws.

As he was doing so, he could hear footsteps behind him. He turned his head to see that his mother was standing there, a concerned look on her face. "How are you holding up, honey?" She asked her son, making her way up to him and rubbing his back in a comforting way. "I know this must be hard."

Dean finally got to the package of straws and took one out, plopping it right into the bottle of juice as he let out a sigh. He didn't realize he was crying until he sniffled. "Not too great." He mumbled underneath his breath. He felt as though it was his fault you were in this situation. He wanted to take your pain away, he wanted to take your damaged brain and switch it with his for however long it takes to heal. "I shouldn't have left her there all by herself, mom. I should've stayed. Or I should've just taken her with me to the cops." Dean's jaw tightened as he found himself growing angry with himself. His hand balled up into a fist and he pounded onto the counter. "God, I'm so stupid!"

Dean couldn't help himself. He slammed the cabinet shut. But when it opened back up again from how hard he pushed onto it, he found himself beating at it, heart wrenching sobs wracked through his whole body as his mother pulled him back, into a tight hug. She shushed her son as they both fell to the floor with him in her arms. "You are not stupid!" She told her son. "You did what you thought was right and I know that deep down-.. Y/N would be proud. She's so lucky to have you. This will get better, sweetheart, I promise you."

The sobs that were escaping Dean slowly came to a calming point. He just stared at the cabinets below the counter as tears just rolled down his face. He was tired of spending his nights hating himself over the situation you were now being put through. All that came out of his mouth was one word turned into a question. "When?"

Mary shrugged her shoulders at his question. "I don't know." She admitted. She wanted to give her son a piece of advice that would help himself get through this and hopefully something he can pass on to you when you start to question things. "But everything takes time. And time is what helps people heal."

~~~

After being held himself for a while by his mother, Dean had grabbed a hold of the juice he had gotten for you and made his way back to the library with a blanket he had gotten from the supply closet. He noticed that nobody else was in the library. The lights were off except for the lights in the library. Sam must have gone to bed and Castiel must have gone to the mancave to binge watch whatever show he was watching on Netflix, leaving the both of you alone.

You were still staring towards the other side of the room until you heard footsteps. You slowly turned your head to see Dean walking towards you with the bottle of juice you wanted and the blanket he promised to get. He set the bottle of juice on the small table situated near the chair. He then lifted you from the chair all before sitting himself down with you in his lap.

He placed the blanket on top of the both of you, making sure you were warm enough before he reached over to the juice bottle. He helped you get the straw into your mouth and let you begin drinking until you didn't want it anymore.

When you didn't, he set it back down onto the table, he placed his hand on your side as he reached for a book, grabbing one from the bookcase that was a couple of inches away from the two of you. "I want to read to you." He said as he opened the book to the first page. The cover read 'It ends with us.' He held the book up with his right hand. "To help you with pronouncing your words."

Given the warmth of his hands against your clothed skin, you slowly reached out your hand and clamped it around your boyfriend's right wrist, slowly bringing it down to your lap before bringing it to your right side, the one that was bruised. The warmth of his hand somehow eased your pain of the bruises. He wondered why you did that for a moment, but when he saw the relief on your face, he suddenly knew why. You wanted his hand there.

So he kept it there, slowly moving his hand underneath your shirt so it would come in direct contact with your skin. From there, Dean began to read the book in his hands. He read to her, letting all of the words sink into your mind. And in that moment, he realized that not only did you need him through all of this, he also needed you. He needed to know you were safe and this time, for good.

Dean Winchester knew that everything took time. And he was going to use this time to help you. He was going to be there for you every step of the way.

He gently pressed his head against the side of your own as he read to you. It was soothing for the both of you. It took sometime for you to process the things he was saying, reading off from the book and you couldn't read well anymore, but you could still listen. You closed your eyes as you listened to the words coming off of the page.

You could remember things, and one of those things you could remember was how much you loved reading and writing stories of your own. You could feel your heart breaking at not being able to that anymore. At least, not for a while.

For now, you were just going to have to take time processing the words you hear and take time getting your speech back.

~~

Dean could almost sense that you were getting tired and he had left the book and the now empty bottle of juice to carry you to his bedroom. He would clean everything up in the morning, but as for now, you were both tired.

When he got to his bedroom with you in his arms, he made his way over to the bed and gently laid you onto it. He laid the blanket you had in the library on top of you before walking back to the door and quietly shutting it tight. He kicked off his shoes and removed his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and his t-shirt.

He crawled into the empty space on the bed next to you as you turned around to face him, he covered himself up the blanket.

You both laid there in silence for a few minutes. All up until you slowly reached out to touch the bridge of your boyfriend's nose, slowly running your finger down to the tip of it.

Dean's lips stretched into a smile as he let out a light chuckle. "That's my nose, sweetheart." He told you, reaching his own hand out and running his fingers along your arm. Your finger trailed down to his mouth, where you ran your finger along his lips. "Those are my lips." He said, fluttering his eyes shut as your finger came up to his eye. You ran your finger along his one eyelid. "These are my eyes. And these.." He gently moved your hand to one of his ears, leaving it there for a moment, he held her hand. "These are my ears. And each one of these has a purpose. My nose is to help me breathe and to smell the good things and the bad things. My eyes are to help me see, and they let me see your beautiful face every day. My ears are to listen, to hear. Music, television, your voice. And my lips.." Dean paused for a moment, leaning his neck forward a bit to place a kiss to your cheek. "My lips are to give you kisses and to smile or frown. They help me talk. Because without my lips, every word I try to say would be muffled."

You took your time processing what all he had to say. You could feel tears running down your face again as you scooted closer to the man, nuzzling into him.

Dean wrapped you into his arms, his eyes fluttering shut as he held you. You both found yourselves falling asleep from the silence that filled the room.

~~~

Next part || I’ve got you, sweetheart masterlist

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