Teen Wolf Movie Spoilers - Blog Posts

Derek having feelings about the Jeep™ specifically is just like when the car went to heaven but the gay angel didn't

i just need to know like. why and what is the reason and wherefore are we just deciding to kill off perfectly fine and capable and young middle aged characters with their entire fucking half a life ahead of them when they FINALLY step back from the life that should have killed them but didn’t like WHY CAN’T THEY JUST RETIRE AND TAKE THEIR KIDS FISHING AND HAVE BIRTHDAY PARTIES AND A WIFEHUSBAND TO KISS IN THE MORNING AND MAYBE SOME PIE FOR SUPPER ONCE IN AWHILE ITS NOT THAT DEEP

no because i just remembered a few extra things that make the teen wolf m*vie even more of a pathetic exercise in clownery:

allison staying Alive and getting back together w/ scott means that they’re doing a dan/serena in s3 of gossip girl (in that they are dating. while their parents are ALSO dating. ew. gross. what the fuckkkkk)

the age gap between malia and parrish is JUST as gross as when they tried to make lydia and parrish a thing in s5 and it’s disgusting and i hate parrish on the basis that he is an empty husk of a character who’s always Just There and Shirtless Whilst On Fire

speaking of, derek dies by setting himself on fire. FIRE. the same thing that killed HIS FUCKING FAMILY????? and he sets himself on fire in front of his own son which he would never do because he went through the same thing when he watched his family die???? 🥴 huh?????

isaac took the box that contained the nogitsune in it w/ him to like france or whatever. so how the fuck do liam and discount!kira have it with them in JAPAN????? 

the logistics of derek having a 15 yr old child is so ridiculously dumb like they didn’t even TRY with that it makes no sense and the only person who could be the mother is fucking kate argent (derek’s literal rapist) and i hate that so much

stiles would never leave the jeep behind. the jeep is the only thing he has left of his mother. why would he leave it in beacon hills and then never return to beacon hills. lmao.

in the s3 finale, the pack defeats the nogitsune with a WOLF BITE. because he “can’t be a fox and a wolf” (direct quote!). so how the fuck does the nogitsune come back and turn into a *squints* FOX WOLF HYBRID is this even real-

lydia said that her grandmother had banshee premonitions of her own gf dying, and even though she tried to prevent it, her gf died anyway. so how can lydia be 100% sure that if she breaks up with stiles, he still won’t die????? lmao

how are derek and scott both true alphas if there’s only 1 in like a 1000 years or whatever the fuck i forgot but. it’s still stupid

there’s probably more but yeah this is what happens when you can’t just leave well enough alone. let things end. not every piece of media needs a reboot revival requel sequel spinoff whatever. just let things go instead of sacrificing your fans and creativity for a souless cash grab 🫥

OKAY so here are some liam-related thoughts after finishing the teen wolf movie:

- he had like three lines. im not even exaggerating like it truly felt like it was only three lines.

- i wasn't mad at the fact that him and hikari were a thing? like obviously im a ride or die thiam enthusiast but like the only thing that actually bothered me was the lack of EXPLAINING on the script. how did liam get to japan? how did he befriend this girl who turns out to be a kitsune?

- we get NO scenes of liam when scott is being shot by three arrows. scott, HIS ALPHA, who his presumably dying. this pissed me off so much because we know liam is HIS beta, we would suppose they have a really strong connection (which they DO), but there's no shot showcasing that in one of the most important times of the movie. what the fuck.

- THE FUCKING SCENE WITH SCOTT, DEREK AND ELI. like i get it, you couldn't have more than one beta and eli is very important to the plot of the movie (kinda?) but you are actually leaving him out of this. out of the fight. when he's the only werewolf not doing shit.

- honestly they just should've stuck to the queer baiting with this one. like honestly.

Dylan and Arden sitting back drinking wine, unscathed from this dumpster fire like:

me during the entire teen wolf movie

Somehow, Allison Argent survived

Now I know I'll never watch it

A Real, Legitimate Summary of the Teen Wolf Movie's Plot:

(I'm not joking, but you're going to think I am)

also, spoilers obviously...

Scott McCall works as a rescue dog saving victims from building collapses in LA

Mr. Harris, the long DEAD biology teacher for school somehow magically comes back from the dead and decides to get his revenge on Scott

Mr. Harris flies to Japan and robs a ramen shop that Liam & Fake-Kira Hikari own, because they decide to keep the nogitsune locked in a spice jar on a spice rack

The nogitsune brings Allison back to life, who has been dead for 15 years, and uses the oni to kidnap everybody to hold them hostage in a magic spirit realm located underneath the lacrosse field while scott & eli play a lacrosse game

The nogitsune's plan is to make the entire pack watch Allison shoot Scott in the heart and kill him, so that everybody will be sad and he can drink their sadness to become more powerful

Scott pretends to die, so the Nogitsune gets made and turns into a WEREWOLF-NOGITSUNE HYBRID MONSTER and attacks

The pack decides that the only way to kill the nogitsune (even tho the nogitsune was previously established to literally be unkillable) is to have Parrish hug him and set him on fire to death

For some reason, the werewolf-nogitsune hybrid monster won't stand still to die, so derek decides to literally SACRIFICE HIMSELF by holding down the werewolf-nogitusne and letting Parrish burn BOTH derek and the nogitsune to death

Derek literally burns himself to death right in front of eli and orphans him

Scott and Allison decide to adopt Eli and run a dog shelter in LA

The End.

(no, i'm not joking.....this actually happened. this was the movie. some of the worst fanfiction that I ever read watched in my life)

P.S the only good part of this really bad fanfic movie is that for the whole movie derek keeps saying that he hates stiles' jeep (and he doesn't explain why) and then at the end of the movie at derek's funeral, sheriff stilinski gives Eli the jeep and says that derek secretly didn't hate the jeep.

then he explains that after Stiles left it behind, Derek towed it back to his auto shop (because derek is a mechanic now btw????) and fixed up stiles' jeep literally so he could keep it for himself. and I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be some metaphor for derek not realizing he's in love with stiles until after stiles moves away and now all that he has left is the jeep????

so, canon!sterek yay!