Biggest Loser Girl You’ll Ever Meet

The floor seems further away everytime i step out of the shower

I take up more space than the day before

There's more tasks I need to do

And I don't even know how to do them all

The mirror looks different today

Maybe tomorrow it will be okay

Or maybe it will never be okay again

But maybe some of the things I like will stay

He looks at me differently

He seems to look for the little girl I used to be while looking down on me

He's intimidating

I have no clue why he finds me so fascinating

Just for a moment

I'd like to be short again

I'd like to fall off trees

And colour outside of the lines again

But, God, if I don't do it, who will?

I will just stick with it

Until I'm grown enough

To become a kid again

i don't want to f*ck now

all my friends think it's weird, they almost think it's treason

can't quite put my finger on it

because i don't have enough fingers to put on each reason

when i have sex i have no idea what my body looks like

which is terrifying

how can i have fun if i don't know if i'm being attractive?

men disgust me now

to be fair they always have

i don't want to dig too deep to find out why

if we're talking about the truth, i usually prefer one half

i don't have a perfect body

but, i mean, no one does, right?

except for the girl he cheated on me with

or that one woman i saw in that one flight

i feel like i should try girls now

but they're so scary

the prettier, the more terrifying

the more i feel like they hate me

i feel a little tired for it

i'm sleeping better now, but it's still hard to get up

let alone shave my legs

and pretend i still feel love

the way i look isn't appealing

my body certainly isn't

but it's the prettiest part about me

so that makes me do a lot of thinking

it's not as satisfying anymore

don't feel the same urge to please

now it just makes me bored

wondering how long will it be before i go to sleep

real people don't act like my fantasies

which is, oh, so depressing

i know its stupid to idealize

but people should be the way i was expecting

it feels like a burden

like a cover you have to keep up

as if no one could go a week

without hooking up or making love

it used to feel like a drug

how many layers do i have to keep peeling?

i was worried it wouldn't be enough

and it would become yet another demon i would have to keep feeding

and last, but not least

it's simply no longer in my mind

i don't think about it, don't daydream anymore

which, i guess the pills i'm taking are supposed to be for

“I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly.”

— Franz Kafka

he's just like me fr

Could you love me like I need you to?

Softly and slowly, like your favorite tune

Piece by piece, flesh covered in you

Could you love me like, I deserve you?

"Toda mi vida he mirado las palabras como si las estuviese leyendo por primera vez"

-Mary Welsh

"Estos ojos solo se abren para evaluar la ausencia"

-Alejandra Pizarnik

but indeed there is relief, a calm and ease

in finally letting go

letting go of the things I hold dear

lovers, beliefs, hopes and dreams

is this some great realization?

or a lazy resignation?

but all will eventually be lost, wither and die

pointlessly pursuing what ends in emptiness

the more I age

the emptier I become, the more hollow

the more I live, the less meaning life offers

nothing fills me, everything exhausts me

nothing satisfies me, an unending yearning

there is no rest, only chaos and restlessness

so I give up this pointless fight,

better to be lost and relieved

.

-Nidhi Bhasin

7 days, I did not let the flowers die

then I talk about “giving up”, daft indeed.

i feel so gross knowing i ate all the food on my plate but they didn’t even make a dent in theirs. like hello wdym